When you’re faced with a stagnating partnership and a sexual attraction that’s dwindled to just slightly short of non-existent, it’s a short ride and a slippery slope to full-blown relationship disconnection. In many (if not most) cases, a loss of passion leads to a breakdown of the intimacy and communication that forms the very bedrock of a healthy, loving coupling.
Even within the most committed relationship there are myriad reasons you can fall out of lust with each other, but the majority can be summed up as boredom, laziness and the unwillingness to step out of your sexual comfort zone. However, it is only when we challenge ourselves in the extreme that we can reach the state of intense intimacy required to fulfil our sexual potential.
The Question of Intimacy
If you really want to know how to make sex better, you need to be prepared to experience a level of discomfort you may never have felt before – and certainly not within your relationship. Why? Because if you want to know how to make sex better with your partner you have to ask them questions about your own performance and behaviours – and be ready to accept the answers.
What to Ask
Firstly, understand there’s no skirting around the issues here – being direct is key. With such intense questioning, however, it’s natural for both partners to experience feelings of extreme vulnerability, so it’s also very important neither passes judgement on the other’s responses. (You may wish to start with some of the easier questions in order to lessen the anxiety.)
When you’re working on the task of how to make sex better, the questions will, naturally, revolve around sex and intimacy. So, what are the questions you should be asking?
Below are some examples of the kind of deep, open questions you need to ask. You can, of course, create your own versions as you see fit, but it’s vital you don’t dilute their core meaning and purpose – to get to the root of your sexual disconnection/disinterest.
Q. Do you feel close and connected to me during sex and at other times? And if not, why not?
Q. Do you feel we are sexually compatible and, if we differ, is that a problem for you? How can we change?
Q. Do I do enough to arouse you like I used to? What do I need reminding of?
Q. How can I make sex more passionate and romantic for you?
Q. Do you want more intimacy during lovemaking or more raw passion?
Q. Remind me of the most romantic times we’ve spent together. How can we create more of that kind of romance?
Q. Do you feel seduced when we make love or have we lost that? Would you like me to make more of an effort in that aspect?
Trust in One Another
Being intentionally intimate, by asking tough questions and being receptive to the answers, is a huge leap of faith. Learning how to make sex better within a committed relationship requires both partners to allow themselves to feel emotionally exposed to the point of discomfort, but it’s that very vulnerability that is the first vital step on the journey to true intimacy.
Juliette Karaman-van Schaardenburg is a director at TurnOn Britain and a qualified OneTaste coach and Orgasmic Meditation trainer. She works with both couples and singles, teaching them how to make sex better by tuning into their body and intuition.
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