In the quest for a “better” or more fulfilling sex life, many people turn to their secret fantasies to create the excitement they believe they need to achieve it. Role-playing, dressing up and the theatre of sexual attraction most definitely has its place, but when it comes to creating authentic intimacy, the ability to have “better sex” must come from a far deeper place.
Going Deeper Within
Learning how to feel happy and connected through sex takes both courage and commitment. The willingness to go deep (pardon the double entendre) requires a level of vulnerability that can be quite challenging – even to those in long-term relationships. But the kind of connection that can be achieved by deep, attentive and genuinely intimate sex goes far beyond physical pleasure and extends into every corner of our lives. So isn’t that worth paying a little more attention? If you want to learn how to feel happy, satisfied and nurtured between the sheets, there are some simple ways to apply more mindfulness to your relationship.
It Starts with a Kiss
The first kiss with a new lover is one of the most thrilling experiences you can have. Weeks (or at least hours!) of pent up sexual tension and anticipation culminate in that magical moment when lips finally lock and hearts unite. Focus on recreating the suspense and excitement of that first kiss with your partner by directing mindful and purposeful sexual energy into exploring their lips and tongue like you’ve never met before. Kiss bliss!
Be Here, Now
Instead of rushing through the performance of sex for the sole purpose of climaxing, make a concerted effort to take each stage of the seduction of your partner slowly and with purpose. Undress each other mindfully, paying attention to every part of their body as it is revealed beneath their clothes. Visit parts that might usually get neglected, like wrists, feet, hands and lower back, using your breath, tongue and hands to caress them. Use oil or lotion to enhance the sensation of your touch and tease your lover to the brink of orgasm without actually following through. Stop. Repeat. This kind of intimate exploration of one another’s bodies creates a connection of the mind and spirit that’s far more profound and lasting than the actual orgasm itself.
Orgasmic Practice
Speaking of which, we all know how good an orgasm feels, but learning how to feel happy and connected within a long term relationship takes more than just the promise of physical pleasure. Harnessing the power of mindfulness through the practice of orgasmic meditation allows couples to connect on a deeper level, which can filter through to other aspects of their lives. Consider embarking on this partnered consciousness practice, where one partner spends 15 minutes stroking the other’s clitoris, with no motive beyond the experience of being in the moment. Through the practice, its proponents learn that entering a “state of orgasm” (achieved by the activation of sexual impulses) can be far more powerful than the physical explosion of a single climactic moment.
Mind on Mindfulness
Mindfulness is such a buzzword these days that it’s all too easy to dismiss it as New Age fluff. But the act of mindfulness teaches us to focus on every one of our senses in order to achieve true “sensuality” as opposed to mindless, going-through-the-motions sex. When we slow down, pay greater attention to our partner’s body and soul and really experience the moments of intimacy, we come to understand that “good sex” and mindfulness are inextricably linked.
Juliette Karaman-van Schaardenburg is a director at TurnOn Britain and a qualified OneTaste coach and Orgasmic Meditation trainer. She works with both couples and singles, teaching them techniques to better aid in recovery from trauma, and how to be happy and better connected through sex by tuning into their body and intuition.
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